1998 Fools: MicroSoft conducts nuclear tests
REDMOND (BNN)--World leaders reacted with stunned silence as 
Microsoft Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at a 
secret facility in eastern Washington state. The device, exploded 
at 9:22 am PDT (1622 GMT/12:22 pm EDT) today, was timed to coincide 
with talks between Microsoft and the US Department of Justice over 
possible antitrust action.

"Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by any
and all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates.  "Not that 
I'm anti-government" he continued, "but there would be few tears shed 
in the computer industry if Washington were engulfed in a bath of nuclear 

Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I nearly dropped 
my latte when I saw the seismometer" explained University of Washington g
eophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, "At first I thought it was Mt. Rainier, 
and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain bike vacation."

In Washington, President Clinton announced the US Government would
boycott all Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later, the President 
reversed his decision. "We've tried sanctions since lunchtime, and they 
don't work," said the President. Instead, the administration will initiate a
policy of "constructive engagement" with Microsoft.

Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said the test 
justified Microsoft's recent acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear Reservation 
from the US Government. Not only did Microsoft acquire "kilograms of 
weapons grade plutonium" in the deal, said Myrhvold, "but we've finally found 
a place to dump those millions of unsold copies of Microsoft Bob." Myrhvold
warned users not to replace Microsoft NT products with rival operating systems.
"I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of a radioisotope thermoelectric
generator inside of every Pentium II microprocessor," said Myrhvold, "but 
anyone who installs an OS written by a bunch of long-hairs on the Internet 
is going to get what they deserve."

The existence of an RTG in each Pentium II microprocessor would explain 
why the microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation, run so hot. The 
Intel chips "put out more heat than they draw in electrical power" said 
Prof. E. Thymes of MIT. "This should finally dispell those stories about 
cold fusion."

Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway in California, 
headed by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems.  "They're doing all of the 
development work in Java," said one source close to the project. The development 
of a delivery system is said to be holding up progress. "Write once, bomb 
anywhere is still a dream at the moment."

Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO Steve Jobs was rumored 
to be in discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison about deploying Apple's Newton 
technology against Microsoft.  "Newton was the biggest bomb the Valley has 
developed in years," said one hardware engineer. "I'd hate to be around when
they drop that product a second time."