1994 Fools: Stop the Presses! Latest TSR News
Article: 24512 of rec.games.frp.misc
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From: zul@foo.bar.upenn.edu (John Pajamas)
Newsgroups: rec.games.frp.misc
Subject: Stop the Presses! Latest TSR News
Date: Fri, 1 Apr 1994 09:14:36
Organization: UPENN RULES!
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Message-ID: <zul.11.2D9C2C48@foo.bar.upenn.edu>
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Anybody see this over on clarinet? Scary!

by Claude O. D'Ertonbuttocques
     Jerry Falwell's Falwell Ministries announced today that it had
purchased 51% of the voting stock of TSR, Inc., the Wisconsin based
publisher of the Dungeons and Dragons game, after a lengthy and
secretive process of negotiations begun at least five years ago.
     According to a source near the top of TSR, the negotiations
began after Lorraine Wilson, the president of TSR, first attended
her local Baptist church. 'She came back saying, "Praise the Lord,
I have been saved from the pit of hell,"' and then began the
process of reworking the Dungeons and Dragons game to remove any
and all references to Devils or Demons. Since that time TSR has
published a new edition of Dungeons and Dragons with no devils or
demons in it, and has also expanded into other markets, with an
emphasis on board-games and paperback original novels. According to
this same source, Ms. Wilson has also had several meetings since
then with famed church-victim Jessica Hahn and John Kruk, star
first-baseman of the Philadelphia Phillies and testicular-cancer
victim. `She's trying to understand victims,' the source said. `She
wants to make Dungeons and Dragons into a kinder and gentler game
     Reverend Falwell made a short announcement at a press
conference this morning at which he said "Dungeons and Dragons will
soon bring traditional all-american Christian morality back into
the hearts of those who have left the fold. The New Dungeons and
Dragons will reward players for possessing family values instead of
for robbing and murdering peaceful gas-station attendants, as they
did formerly." Reverend Falwell then left for Cabo San Lucas,
Mexico, in the company of Lorraine Wilson, shouting "I feel good!"
and explaining, "Time to ditch my old lady and get me a brand new
     Jerry Falwell's Falwell Ministries is the successor to the
Moral Majority, which tried to influence national policy by serving
as a voluntary moral barometer for the United States during the
terms of Ronald Reagan's presidency.

- -- 
Zul the Destroyer <zul@foo.bar.upenn.edu>
Two great tastes that go great together, hummous and bacon!