1994 Fools: Microsoft to Buy Catholic Church
From Bear@bearcave.dsm.ia.us Fri Dec 23 15:10:50 EST 1994
Article: 8968 of alt.journalism
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From: Bear@bearcave.dsm.ia.us (Brad Meyers)
Date: 16 Dec 94 12:09:14
Newsgroups: alt.journalism
Subject: Microsoft to Buy Catholic Church
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From: Newswire Mailing
To: IS Daily News Services for Executives
Cc: Newswire Mailing
Subject: MICROSOFT: Bids to Acquire Catholic Church
Date: Tuesday, November 29, 1994 7:16AM
MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic Church
By Hank Vorjes
VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's
Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that
the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in
exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common
stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a
computer software company has acquired a major world religion.
With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior
vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software
Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and
Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said
MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.
"We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five
to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and
the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more
fun for a broader range of people."
Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service,
"we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time"
and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling
indulgences, said Gates. "You can get Communion, confess your sins,
receive absolution -- even reduce your time in Purgatory -- all
without leaving your home."
A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro
language which you can program to download heavenly graces
automatically while you are away from your computer.
An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's
Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in
character as Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was
broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.
Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello
chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy
hats," the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.
The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible
and the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by
such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT
will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors'
access to these key intellectual properties.
"The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy
scriptures," said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take
the parting of the Red Sea -- we had that thousands of years before
the Catholics came on the scene."
But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a
common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more
successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame
theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the
Catholic Church's market share has increased dramatically, while
Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now
touted by Christianity, lags behind.
Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive
competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to
Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in
various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with
Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today
Christianity is available from several denominations, but the
Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission
is to reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing MICROSOFT's
vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every home".
Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable
religious architecture that will support all religions through
emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of
interfaces according to the religion desired -- "One religion, a
couple of different implementations," said Gates.
The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions,
according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist
Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position
in the increasingly competitive religious market.
KBviaNewsEDGE
Copyright (c) 1994 Knight-Ridder / Tribune Business News
Received via NewsEDGE from Desktop Data, Inc.: 03/07/94 19:20
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[ But wait.. there's more! Our Vatican correspondent sent these: ]
---------
From: sarducci@vatican.rai.net
Subject: Vatican news
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RAI INVESTS $125 MILLION IN MICROSOFT NETWORK
VATICAN CITY -- A division of Italian television giant RAI said
Wednesday it has invested $125 million for a 20 percent stake in
Microsoft Corp.'s planned on-line computer service, The Microsoft
Divine Network.
The investment lays the groundwork for delivering planned on-line
religious services to personal computers over television cable,
which will allow much faster and richer transmission of data such
as sound clips and video than is permitted today over regular
telephone lines.
"We are big believers in connecting PCs to cable for on-line because
it gives us more bandwidth to do new kinds of applications using audio
and video," said Ziggy Mann, general manager of the Microsoft on-line
services group.
Under the agreement, RAI's Vatican Technology Ventures has made an
all-stock investment in the newly formed Microsoft Online Church
Partnership, which will hold the assets and cash flow of the planned
on-line service.
The service was announced in November and is expected to be launched
next year as an optional feature (Microsoft Church) of the Windows 95
operating system, which now is expected to be available in August 1995.
The service will be offered at first over telephone lines, but Don
Novello, senior vice president of the RAI-Vatican technology unit,
said by 1996, some on-line services likely will be delivered over
cable as cable modems and other equipment are perfected.
While RAI would market and distribute the service to the 20 million
households, the relationship would not be exclusive and the cable
provider would offer connections to any on-line services available
and requested by its customers, Novello said.
America OnLine, Compuserve and other on-line service providers have
been testing the possibility of delivering their services over cable
rather than telephone lines.
The partership announced Wednesday, which long had been rumored, is
one of several between RAI and Microsoft.
The two companies also are about to begin a small-scale test of
interactive television services broadcasting from the Vatican, and
have announced plans to develop a cable television channel focused
on computing, which Novello said will be launched next year.
Rob Goldman, an analyst at Imperiale Shwain, said the latest agreement
was strategically important to both companies and signaled an
increasing convergence of media on the information superhighway.
"I think it is very strategic for Microsoft to try to leverage their
investment in an on-line service to be able to offer it to RAI's 20
million households," he said.
"Ultimately you ought to able to access this through your television
and not just your personal computer. Having the same on-line service
connected to (both) would be a very powerful thing."
Executives of the two companies did not provide details on how they
arrived at a figure that values The Microsoft Divine Network at $625
million even though it likely won't begin operation until August.
"We negotiated a fair valuation based on what we know today," Novello
said in a Vatican conference call with reporters and analysts.
Mann said Microsoft had no current plans to take on additional equity
partners in the on-line business, "but if the right deal or right
partner came along we'd be open to that."
-----------------
POPE CELEBRATES CHRISTMAS MASS ON THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY
VATICAN CITY -- Pope John Paul II led the world's 960 million Roman
Catholics in Christmas celebrations Sunday at a midnight mass that
included prayers and praise for technology and the family.
More than 10,000 people, including members of the Vatican Technology
group, crowded into St. Peter's Basilica, Christendom's largest church,
for the traditional sung mass broadcast live around the world.
They were joined on the information superhighway by a select number of
subscribers to the Microsoft Divine Network pilot, a recently formed
joint venture between the Redmond giant and the italian RAI cable
communication network.
As is customary with the Christmas midnight mass, the pope's homily
centered on the Biblical story of the birth of Jesus.
The pope usually reserves his most powerful comments on world events
for his Christmas Day "Urbi et Orbi" (to the city and the world)
blessing and message from the central balcony of the Basilica.
"During the night of the Lord's birth, the shepherds guarding their
flock in the fields round Bethlehem heard the words inviting them to
go to the place where the Child was laid," the 74-year-old pope said
during the homily.
"An angel said to them, 'Behold, I bring you good news of great joy
which will come to all the people; for to you is born this day in the
City of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord'.
"The shepherds of Bethlehem are thus able to realize that the way of
salvation passes through the family. We too have been able to realize
this truth once more during this year that is about to end...this year
has been the year of technology for the entire family."
The pope has often spoken this year in favor of the traditional
family and against what he says is a frontal assault on its values
by the technological revolution, and praised Microsoft's Christian
initiative to end world suffering.
He has repeatedly called on families to fight what he says are their
greatest enemies on the information superhighway: "mushrooming
sex-crazed user groups, pedofiles, gay and lesbian militants,
perverted adult stories", which the Pontiff credited to the work
of the devil.
The pope, looking healthy and alert, wore vestments of gold and white
to symbolize the message of joy and hope brought into the world with
Christ's birth in Bethlehem, complemented by a discrete gold pin
bearing the embossed logo of the new Microsoft Divine Network.
He also said during the electronically transmitted homily that he
had not forgotten those who were suffering behind their screens.
"We find ... happiness in the songs which from midnight tonight are
heard here in St. Peter's Basilica and throughout the world, thanks
to the marvels of technology" he said.
"They are heard even in the midst of censorship, as can be confirmed
by those experiencing interdictions to access religious services...
in other places where people have suffered or continue to suffer.
Joy at the birth of the son of God is greater than suffering."
The Polish pope is celebrating his 17th Christmas season as the Roman
Catholic Church's supreme leader since his election in October 1978.
The electronic broadcast was the first time a pope reached out to the
information superhighway's virtual crowd.
Traditionally, tens of thousands of people flock to St. Peter's Square
on Christmas Day to listen to the "Urbi et Orbi" message and hear the
pope wish the world holiday greetings in more than 50 languages.
For the first time in history this year, a select number of subscribers
to the Microsoft Divine Network pilot were able to enjoy the Pontiff's
message from behind their computer screens.
.
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From stevemc@eskimo.com Fri Dec 23 16:02:17 EST 1994
Article: 83294 of alt.folklore.computers
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From: stevemc@eskimo.com (Steve McCallister)
Subject: Catholic Church Proves Someone Still has Sense of Humor
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Date: Wed, 21 Dec 1994 07:26:56 GMT
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Lest you think that the trees grow too close together here for anyone
to have a sense of humor (i.e., MS's response to MS-Catholic buy-out
hoax), here's some excerpts from today's "Seattle Times" (12/20/94):
"Church Mourns Miracle That Might Have Been"
(Starts saying a tongue-in-cheek response to the rumor came from a
Seattle Catholic spokersperson who was "profoundly disappointed"
MS doesn't want to buy the church.)
John McCoy, Public Affairs Director for the Seattle Archdiocese
said, "We could have had a material as well as a spiritual
Christmas...."
"Offended?" said McCoy, " We thought our prayers had been answered."
McCoy offered the following explanations why the union would have
been mutually beneficial:
"We've had 2,000 years of working with icons... Windows has only done
it for 3."
"I hear there's not much attention to dress at Microsoft...We've
got a clothing line that draws a crowd and dates back two
millennia."
McCoy also observered that "We'd love to have some computer types with
color laptops at our church bazaars...what an alternative to the
cake walk... and the fish pond."
Archbishop Thomas Murphy was unavailable for comment, McCoy explained,
"He's surfing in cyberspace."
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From tristan@news.dorsai.org Mon Dec 26 15:40:48 EST 1994
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From: tristan@news.dorsai.org (Net-Runner)
Subject: Re: Microsoft OFFICIALLY denies Vatican hoax!
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Date: Fri, 23 Dec 1994 17:26:24 GMT
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Before anybody puts this up in a magazine, I thought I should mention
that it is a counterspoof :)
From: Newswire Mailing
To: IS Daily News Services for Executives
Cc: Newswire Mailing
Subject: IBM Raises Ante in Religious Software Biz: Acquires
Episcopal Church
Date: Thursday, 12/1/94
For Immediate Release
The Chairman of IBM announced today that, in response to
Microsoft Corp.'s acquisition of the Roman Catholic Church, IBM has
bid for and acquired the Protestant Episcopal Church in the United
States of America for $1 billion.
"We are the oldest and most prestigeous computer company in
the world," he said, "and we cannot be seen to be lagging behind in
the race for preeminence in the religious software and hardware
markets. We have tendered an offer to the Most. Rev. Edmund
Browning, Presiding Bishop of the Episcopal Church and Pamela
Chinnis, President of the House of Deputies of General Convention,
and they have recommended acceptance to the
shareholders communicants."
The Episcopal Church is one of the oldest and most respected
denominations in the United States. Many current and former
officeholders, including many Presidents, have been communicants.
Although its membership was declining in recent years, the latest
figures show a slight increase in membership. A combination with
IBM will probably be beneficial in terms of putting "fannies in the
seats" in Episcopal Churches across the United States.
There will also be great benefits to IBM in terms of
international connections through the Episcopal Church. The Church
is one of the most senior members of the international Anglican
communion by way of its separation from the Church of England after
the Revolutionary War and the consecration in 1784 of its first
Bishop, Samuel Seabury. IBM hopes to gain a foothold in the
international religious business through these connections, and
perhaps tender a bid for the entire Anglican Communion by the time
of the next meeting of the world Anglican bishops in London in 1998
(Lambeth Conference). The Archbishop of Canterbury, George Carey,
was unreachable for comment.
IBM and Episcopal Church are "good fit"
IBM has had the distinction of being the first and, up until
several years ago, the most successful computer company in the
world. It was founded by Herman Hollerith, the inventor of the
computer card, in the late 1800, and concentrated on business
machines such as adding machines and typewriters until the
invention of the computer in the 1940. They invested heavily in
this new technology, and became rich from selling and maintaining
them in the 1950's through 1980's.
However, IBM's stodgy corporate culture prevented it from
taking advantage of newer technology. It almost entirely missed the
value of personal computer technology in the late 1970's, allowing
other companies to use processes it developed to make so-called
"clone" personal computers. It therefore lost out on billions of
dollars spent on this technology over the past 15 years.
IBM has recently spun off its typewriter and printer
businesses and concentrated on PC building and software, and has
even resorted to layoffs for the first time in its history. The
slogan, "No one was ever fired for buying IBM" has become a bitter
joke in the business world.
The Episcopal Church was, for a long time, considered the most
successful of the Protestant Churches in terms of wealth and power.
Many of the rich and famous swelled its numbers, and its liturgy
was noted for its archaic beauty as much as its treasury was noted
for its gilt-edged bonds.
However, in recent years, with the dying-off of the elderly
rich and the fall in the birth rate among the bluebloods who
remained, the Episcopal Church has suffered both a decline in
numbers and in influence and wealth. Notwithstanding the slogan,
"The Episcopal Church Welcomes You," numbers have only recently
begun to increase again as the Church begins to be seen as a place
where outcasts can take part in its life.
Along with IBM, the Episcopal Church has had to resort to
layoffs to balance its budget, and the merger will allow both
organizations to trim even further their personnel costs.
IBM's chairman said today, "We have been known as the place
where the white-coated mystics take charge of computers in sealed
rooms. As a direct result of this merger, our white-coated mystic
roster will be cut by half and merged with the ordained ministry of
the Episcopal Church. After all, they also wear white garments when
celebrating their mysteries. The similarities outweigh the
differences, and we think that we can bring their white-suited
mystics up to speed in JCL and C++ within a few months."
The Presiding Bishop and Ms. Chinnis issued a joint statement
saying: "We welcome this merger as a meshing of two great but
sometimes old-fashioned institutions. The merger will allow us to
cut our technical staff by half again, and concentrate our
resources on becoming the largest and most successful Protestant
Church in the United States. Our first IBM mainframe is already
being installed in the basement of 816 Second Avenue, Church
Headquarters in New York."
They continued: "So that we can assure ourselves that the
Apostolic Succession will be continued, the Bishops of the
Episcopal Church will lay hands on the Board of IBM in a ceremony
at the Cathedral of St. John the Divine in New York City. Then, the
entire House of Bishops will travel up to Armonk, where they will
be instructed in the use of the personal computer."
The business writers of most US newspapers will join the
religion correspondents in recording this momentous occasion. Both
the business and the religious communities are awaiting the new
developments that this historic merger will make possible.
His Eminence, Bill Gates, had no comment.
Copyright (C) 1994 Christian P. Hansen. May be reproduced with
credit. hansen@quantime.co.uk
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